messages.

December 8 at 2:24pm

I love the photo comments you leave on these girls pictures... you amaze me everytime.. seems like your back to the old you. no wait... you have always been like this... peace December 8 at 2:36pm

?

December 8 at 2:40pm

? thats all you have to say?

December 8 at 3:02pm

so i see you didnt get the message i sent?

December 8 at 3:04pm

i wish you the best with your new life. but plz leave me alone i cant take anymore. im dyeing inside and would like to rot in my own filth. goodbye

December 8 at 3:17pm

we have only been married for 3 months and the rest you thought it was ok to think about yourself i have no sympathy. you denied me, we both needed to grow up now we have a chance to live our lives. you will always have my heart cuz you stole it but i want my name. you can say all you want but i have never cheated on you. i didnt think my friends were more important after we got married yes i thought that before but affter Feb 18 2009 i had you in my sight and i loved every second. till you wanted to go out and be single. so i have no tears for you sweetheart. all i can say sorry i wasnt the man who had mommy and daddy give him everything. i worked hard and still do. so plz when you can i need the cable box and the car. im not trying to fight but i need to start on my own life i see your having an amazing life no i want mine. good luck ill still help you. but only if you/me act like an adult. plz be safe take care you know how to get ahold of me. other then that. take care good by.o and another thing i pray every night for you and wish i treated you like you treated me. i dont regret anything i loved being your husband even through the bad. but i guess separation was need in your eyes. take care. girl.

sleep now!

i cant feel anymore.. i dont know if you will ever care to read but know. my mind has been up and down. i know its been awhile since i wrote, but for what it will never get you back or change what i did and said. i guess you can say. i deserved this all. you were never the problem you were the satution and all i did was hurt and hurt and use you. i hope one day you FORGET me. but till then i will die alone and wish to stay there plz. do me one last thing. FORGET ME.

..

1 or the 0ther?

i wished i could give you everything but thats not what you want or wanted you.

i know your hurt and sad but love is ment to conquer all.

i wish you the vary best with all you do.

but you have to do your best first.

chi.

where were you?

WHERE were you when i was along trying for our family

working those long hours for you and for nothing i gave you

everything and let you BREAK my heart. Im alone i left cuz you were killing me!!!

You promised me the world and forget about me and did you.

How could you how could you say you loved me when you

worried about your friends and not me.

(to be continued)

wait that's what my wife said to me

now i know what i have to do.

chi.

About us.

Wow what can i say i think this is it.

all i can see is you walking away smiling and loving

but see what ive done was hurt and ruin.

I cant keep hurting something so pure and beautiful.

im sorry.

chi

Hanging out

well today worked wasnt really anything too important or cool.

but then finally got a text from the most important person.

started going good but then got depressed i guess everything i have said in the past really didnt make sense or had an impact till they heard it from another person? wow

what a slap in the face!!! :) feels sooooo good.

chi

Strangers

Well im a vary talkative person how ever knows me and meet me, knows i can make the best out of any bad situation. Even when you get a number to talk to someone new you kinda just fall into. Maybe its the fact that i miss having someone to talk to or have? But can you fill the void with a new person "stranger". Its not fair to the new person and old.

chi

.....

ONE WORD.

love!!!!

why does it hurt?

A lost Poet

Words, sounds, letters, paragraphs, music, and lyrics.

all that makes a great poet and a beautiful story.

but a lost of any one part can be just like murder.

keep the wisdom and confusing sayings for as long as

words make sense.

POET-a writer of poems (the term is usually reserved for writers of good poetry)

POEMS-Poems was the first work by British novelist William Golding (better known for Lord of the Flies, among other novels). Released in 1934, a full 20 years before Lord of the Flies (his second major work and first novel), he later derided it, but critics in retrospect called it "not bad."

The end.

last night i was told i needed to file the paper work.

I lost, i lost our love our future and past i lost it all.

I hope this will be for the best

counting

counting for a big date?

or the end?

or being alone?

why count?

why not let it come naturally and not as expectedly

4 months 4 days 12 hours 23 seconds

and 1 heart break !!

do you miss me like i miss you?

i cant stop writing spelling thinking and cursing you!!
but is it all good or bad?

Saying goodbye.

It seems like an easy task when your done with a conversation, "Goodbye, take care, so long.". but its not. Trying saying it to someone you really care about "Goo....." it hurts. you can never really say it or mean it. Wish one day i cant let go and say thoughts words to protect and not hurt anymore.


chi.

A path.

Today at work i seen a man with the cutest baby girl and thought wow he is a true man being there for his kid. But i noticed that he was a dick and didnt want to help or deal with him. Later walking around i heard that he was arguing with the girls mother, why is it that adults never look to the kids best interests? Now i understand why he was aka a DICK but still his daughter will pay in the end, and i felt bad i coulda been him. I never want to have my child grow up in those conditions just cuz the parents couldnt grow up and see what was more important. But people just like to live like that and chose that way.

chi

Follow the Leader

How can i tell you to stop how can i stop?
You tell me, you cant win the race without.
But your the one who started without me.
I cant continue running if your always going to be this way.
You told me, you could win without.
now you need me?
Make up your mind threats dont work.
How can we win this together when you always had your mind set?
You run ill walk, cuz i know ill get there.

chi.

Trust

I cant see what i did wrong i cant see you in the same way or in the same tone.
Tell me how i can get back get our life back. but do i really want to?
I cant sit here and think of you cuz i all i see is the bad of what i did,
and what you did. I know i fucked up bad and it kills me all the time but
i need to move on. I cant stay here knowing you hurt me cuz you did and it
suck, when we said i do it ment through thick and thin. But yet when we were down
we both gave up.
Im sorry but i cant trust you know you put yourself in danger and thought
nothing.
Thought it would be ok to drink and do what you did, half the time you didnt even
know what you were doing.
Im sorry for pushing you away but i didnt push you in their arms.
so i say I CANT TRUST.



chi

Love

i have loved you with all my heart and love in me and i still messed up i cant keep hurting something so beautiful and pure i cant see you cry and hear you curse my name. i wish one day you can forgive me and let my soul rest. but till that time im ment to walk alone and watch from a distance and know i hurt you. we do things not knowing the pain or the effect we have and life we change. love is the most powerful drug known to man it can make a us do crazy things to get or keep.



chi

awake

is it wrong to want to stay in our dream world?
cuz thats when i have you and everything is ok.
i cant stay awake and miserable.
i want to sleep and feel your body warmth next to mine.
i miss playing with your hair and smelling your body
between the sheets.
is it wrong to say i love you in my head and wish your
without me and happy?
in my dreams you actually love and want to be with me.
i miss and urn for that so much. im so sorry for letting you
go and hurting you.
but you let me walk out that door.
come to think about it i dont dream anymore i havent for months?

Heal the wounds

I cried and cried and tried and cried i cant keep something that must go.
I know my heart will break but i must let you go.

confused

i dont know what up from down. whats right from wrong.
i cant see whats infront of me and whats hurting me.
did it hurt when i seen your smile and i was with another?
i cant stay and say i can stay.


chi

Blank..

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the
Words i still want to say
but cant see or find them.
so ill tell you when i mustard up
the strength.

chi

HAVE TO SAY WHEN....

I cant keep thinking my time will be used well i have to stop and think why>?
i have to see whats important and let it go to see what more i can do.
i cant anymore...
so i have to say when?

a new home.

Today i went with my brother to look at an old old job i did. Well one i helped at i use to be in construction before the market went bad. I loved it building something from the ground up it was amazing and so beautiful(that sounded gay) seeing something from ground up to a finished project. It kinda hit me in a soft spot(my balls) i miss it. It just makes me want to build my own and have a new home!!

poet.

its easy to rhyme and try to make sense of those rhymes but harder not to and find the same meaning in words. its like a jigsaw puzzle and we are the pieces.

Einstein
""Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.""

every one fell for it although they dont know why or for how long.
Love is a crazy thing to come by, but the life and reason you chose is
worth it if you understand why?


chi

A comment to another writer.

They say the most strongest muscle is the heart. Beating 72 times a minute, 24/7 till the end. Knowing that Einstein used about 11 to 13 percent of his mind and the average human only uses 7 to 10 if that. So why is it so easy to break a heart then a mind? Our eyes dont help the cause of what hurts us or fixes us. Through all this we depend on a lil word called love we want it so and yet have no control.

chi

night.

well being alone without you by my side wasnt how i planned the night.
but i needed to see if i can go without you. i cant but i wont go back
i can sleep alone anymore but you pushed me out at night.
why can you see i need you and you need me.
well i want to wish you the sweetest dreams and a good night.



chi.

Morning

Ah my head hurts just so many thoughts that i cant speak or see happen.

END

Today is the end to the end
but a beginning to the end and
i cant keep hurting you and
you hurting me. The end
is the end and the end of the
beginning.

chi

Why Life?

Life is something false something true something confusing.
Why is knowledge so hard to come by why cant we just
know. why do we feel why do care of others or thoughts that cant
be explain. Life is a test and we chose to live it and go from there.
Music and love and art is apart to feel and cope with life.
why life and why us why do we feel
why wont we feel and why cant we
see, see the truth is infront of us.
life is life. so why life?



chi

THIS IS MY ANGEL SHE HAS MY HEART AND SOUL I WILL NEVER FORGET HER FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. TOO BAD I CANT HOLD HER AND LET HER KNOW THAT. BUT THE MEMORIES I HAVE AND WILL ALWAYS KEEP MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. THE THINGS I WOULD TELL HER. THE JOKES WE WOULDA HAD. BABY GIRL I WILL ALWAYS MISS AND LOVE YOU NO WORRIES I WILL ALWAYS HAVE YOU IN MY HEART. TAKE CARE AND REST IM WATCHING YOUR FAM NOW.



CHI

living off the wall..

how can i say what i mean when what i mean i cant say?
touch me talk to me but dont hurt me. i hurt you yes but im trying and it hurts.
just smile and forget that will help but what can i help with?
build our love with me cuz i broke it down in the first place.
forgive and forget or else dont say you do.
forgive me.


chi

A Choice

I chose to end it.
Its been a happy six months.
longer then most. :.>
i guess you can say we were destined for greatness.
Well you for the most part.
My smile was your, and only yours.
I did hurt and i got hurt.
I cant hurt anymore.
A smile was once their, and now a frown appears.
The star still shines, for all time.



chi

coffee

is it wrong to have good coffee with a friend?
my intention were good i talked about you!
for a sec i thought of only you and hurt her feelings.
i dont care what anyone says im going to be me.
I just cant belive its wrong when you are always right.
im done feeling sorry for thinkg of you.

and that coffee was good. it didnt burn me.



chi

80's rock

the words were so much simpler when it was in the 80's no hide-in messages
just i love you and your not there or i hurt you too much.
the words will always be there and the songs are example of it.
80's rock always let you know how you really felt.
sad happy and confused but yet the meaning is there.
and will never be misunderstood.
babe i love air supply sings and its all there.
listen before judge.


chi

Eyes

Listen well.
Speak no evil see no evil hear no evil.
when it comes to you evil i dont see just
confused. when i comes to me i like evil.
from left to right up to down i know
i think its fun to cause a lil trouble.
but when i see them
BIG BROWN EYES
i cant see evil.

So i just watched about ten fifteen videos about lasers and laser pointers. wow they mod them all to actually burn and mess shit up.
It was crazy i didnt think it would work that good but i was really surprised i think i will do one. lets see how much trouble i can get into.



chi

it goes without saying.

I cant stay here and wait for you to want me.
I dont want to put down and expect to say sorry to you.
Im trying for us and your trying for you.
I cant still be here waiting in the rain for that dance,
when your inside clean and happy.
It goes without saying.
I JUST WANT YOU.



CHI

i just dont know what to say i try and try and want to give up but yet i cant.
i feel as i should give you so much more.
but when you speck it reminds me of why?
why? why should i still stick in there when you dont want me to, why still put of up with you.
im not the saint i know i did my dirt but why should you still put up with it?
im sorry and i feel like i must let you go and find your happyness.
i just dont know what to say i try and try and what you give me i cant.

chi

soft skin

I havent felt your soft skin in months and it hurts.
The tan against my course skin ah i how i miss that.
Ill be yours till you ask me too but dont take my warmth away,
im cold inside and out.
Why cant i feel your soft skin?


chi-

ahh

Really this isnt a POST im just done.

i dont know what to say or do.

the more i do the more i loss.

Im just at a loss for words.

...... but one...

...AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

CHI

still no beat.

Seeing you woulda started.

but nothing.

being in your arms shoulda started.

but nothing

holding you hold me

and yet nothing.

still no beat.

chi

Change

Change is good.
Change is bad.
But at least you change for you.
Plz change for you or you wont like it.
But the smile shows your happier with change.
so im happy with change.




chi.

PUSH!

PRAY

UNTIL

SOMETHING

HAPPENS!

CHI

pray

how do you pray when you have nothing and your heart is gone and filled with nothing. are you alive can you feel my pain? how could you say you need me when you cant feel or even know what you want? FRIENDS OR FOE?? what do you consider me? you hold your friends higher then me and you forgot what i said and how i try and I DO....... i pray. does that help or should i PUSH?

up hill battle.

GO!!!

& they are off both headed in the same direction.

But one thought the way was right.

It was wrong why cant you see.

Your not going to win. even if you try your hardest,

your not meant to win. hahahaha!!! why cant you hear lol.

aka Loosed Over aLl.

The hill is high and he will win.

But why did you even try, he didnt want you.

It hurts but this wasnt suppose to be your race.

He specks softly go find your WIN.

why didnt you see sooner.

chi

Same

You say you look different but i see the same.

New one on the block but still think he the same.

You say you cut your hair buts its still the same.

The room looks the same when you say you moved it.

The beat can be change but the song still the same.

The movie was remade but still same plot.

You dress nicer but act the same.

You still are SAME.

chi

confusion.

Not knowing what to do next is complicated but most of all confusing
Im lost im own words and thoughts.
I had everything but really had nothing.
Now i want it all back and in my mind want nothing.
What do i tell my heart when its been waiting to beat for so long?
Do i hide him or put him on my sleeves to get hurt, or hurt someone?
But there is always hope and i feel my heart noticing it.
It Wont be long for all this to make sense!



chi

Up late.

Its funny when i stay up late.

Sometime i loss my mind and sometimes i find it.

From old friends to new ones.

Or just the ones in my head.

But not being able to sleep well,

Thats a game in itself.

See if writing will make sense in the light.

chi.

HATE!!!

Why I.S. i hate me?

Why i cant hate me?

You tell me whats to hate?

Tell me i should hate.

I need to hate.

Come and hate me.

Everyone hates.

Why cant you hate me?

I.S. I HATE ME?

chi.

Talk.

How do you talk when your voice makes no noise.

What makes a conversation?

Just because someone can talk and is talkative,

does that make it more sensible or less?

People have conversations with those who dont

understand or speak the same language.

For a conversation to work you need both sides to

be willing to listen first,then react upon understanding.

How do you talk when your noise makes no voice?

chi

Ring.

What does a ring represent?
With all the coasts of a ring how far will we really pay for one?
Do we really need it or is it a safety blanket?
We wear rings to feel beautiful and apart of something.
And it can also build a bond.

Im Yours

How do we stop from being loved?

To those who dont know that we love them.

Im yours wether you like it or not.

Its kinda hard not to.

Dont hold it against me just hold me.

chi

depression

it hurts so much

why do i let it there?

who can i blame?

tell me not to listen

and ill tell you to stop talking

depression did you or did i?

who put who there and why?

stop yelling she didnt mean it.

it hurts so much

chi

The night starts here.1

I live through something i cant touch.

I cry when i found out im dead.

How do i hold my head up high when my heart keeps falling.

Who else will pick it up?

Stop calling me names cuz i have one.

Ill stop pushing when you start seeing.

chi

Good to Bad

We talk and talk we make plans to walk.

I love it! i can see me coming back

I write our love story in chalk.

by yet for some reason my phone stays black.

Temporary love is what was given

Now i see that its not OK we make mistakes.

What do you want me to do why can you listen.

Im sorry but you pushed and i dint know what to take.

Just give me back you.

Dont say we are through.

Our love was bigger then a tear drop.

We looked like giants from up top.

Just give me back what i love and lost.

"When there is nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire."

chi

Love

Love is such a word that is lost.

we all said it but did we mean it?

How can we get it back?

Love; what does it really mean?

Why do we say it?

Who will it effect?

But yet we still say (I love you!)

Help love live.

chi

Words

Hearing them or seeing them its all the same, from a text to a computer screen its all the same. From thinking we said good words to wanting them to sound bad, they still hurt never the less.

How can we tell from the good to the bad words?

But hearing your voice and the sweet sweet words you say.

Wow. well that just hurts.

I want you to be in my arms so bad i want to feel your skin.

but still the words are nothing coming yet they haven't fell from your tongue.

How i wish you could say those words.

chi

Music

Lyrics and rhyme's are everywhere from preschool to daily life

its embedded in our mind.

From e-i-o , now to man that nigga just dont know.

rhymes can tell a story and let you know how much you care for that person,

""What love did to me well it changed, and i will never be the same""

For all thoses its something to break down and

think of what this means.

Some times its more simple then we think.

(Love really can mean Love)

chi

Story's?

To think from the begging no one new what to do or how to do it we were told and

show how to treat people, aswell as love them.

"What defines greatness?

Who are we to chose it?"

"What will we do when we get there?

What will we do to get it?"

"What do we do when we loss love?

Who's to say we LOST it?"

Everyone has at least one story to tell but is it right or wrong?

From the lies to the truth it all helps, in one way or another?

(I hope if you read these you find some sense in my words for they might be lies or truth,

its up to you to see if it helps or hurts?)

chi

The truth is.

I am yours and you are mine.

I can see what you did and you can see what i did.

Im trying not to hold it against but it hurts.

I know i hurt you.

I know you love me but you show me other.

I am yours.

"My air was your BREATH."

chi

lost

We fought and fought and fought.

you hurt me bad and i feel your pain

We are still together but i dont know what to do.

I dont know if i can wait or hang in there.

how could i leave you, but i cant be your puppet.

Why would i leave you, i cant keep hurting.

I love you, and i realize your yelling and your attitude is you.

but i cant keep putting up with it.

But you still havent told me to love you.

Groom, do you take this woman to be your wedded wife? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health, remaining faithful to her as long as you both shall live?

Bride, do you take this man to be your wedded husband? Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him in sickness and in health, remaining faithful to him as long as you both shall live?

I know what i must do.

through sickness and in health.

I have to be there for her.

As she was there for me.

chi

A instant message to some one im not allowed to talk to.

xshynessisacrime (11:51:24 PM): life is a funny trip we take.

xshynessisacrime (11:51:50 PM): some detours are better then others. but yet we all go through them

xshynessisacrime (11:53:06 PM): for someone putting up a wall just shows how much you truely trust and need them. by saying leave only puts them far away not brings them back. by saying i dont need you only shows them you moved on.

xshynessisacrime (11:53:12 PM): "

xshynessisacrime (11:53:48 PM): "but love was ment to conquer all, ment to show us who we need and trust."

xshynessisacrime (11:54:17 PM): I guess they were right when they said love was a battle feild.

xshynessisacrime (11:55:28 PM): Moving on can be stronger and help out more if your moving on to help you or the other pearson. Hurt shouldnt be passed around it should stop when you say "I do!" but we forget the reasons why.,

xshynessisacrime (11:55:53 PM): (im sorry girl but just wanted to say what was on my mind. night and sorry for buggin.)

(I just had to get this off my chest if your her or not i dont care, cuz you listened when i needed it.)

chi

sleep overs

for some reason it seems ok for a married person to spend the night or stay with someone alone just the two.

Its just fun we watched movies i trust them, not like you.

but yet if someone else was to do it, all hell would brake loss.

"i made up my mind, your happy."

and im happy for you.

just as long as you keep that smile.

chi

Nothing.

My phone was off but still nothing.

My voice mail was on but still nothing.

My text could receive but still nothing.

My phone was on but still nothing.

My heart was open but still nothing.

My mind was glade you moved on.

But yet i want something?

chi

Confused

So how do you tell someone you love them?

Yet afraid to keep or hurt them?

If you let it go, and it comes back it was ment to be.

but what if you dont want it to.

How do you stop hurting the person you love.

chi

Walking

Ok i just walked about two miles one and ahalf by myself and the rest with my cuz and his wife.

and it helps with them i just talked about what i will do and why and if ill ever go back.

Its hard looking back and hearing you want me, and now that im not running back i dont want to anymore.

I feel like there is so much between us but i love you and dont know where to go from here.

Adam comes from the Hebrew adomah, meaning "man." Eve is from the Hebrew for "life."

God created man from the earth and the women from the rib of man to be represented as sharing a connection and being by mans side.

Its Funny.

Thinking about it, it really is funny.

From start to finish this is just all too funny.

I would think giving someone everything you possibly can

wow that would make anyone happy?

But i think its funny,

im not going to list everything i know mine is longer, but come on.

i know you grown up and you keep saying it. but the more you say it

doesnt me its true. FORGIVE AND FORGET.

Cuz when i still live in the past you get upset.

Yeah it hurts huh.

You can do it and its ok but the minute i do, well then im a jerk and a bastard.

WOW

The people may be made to follow a path of action, but they may not be made to understand it.

Confucius,

Im the one who ruined everything

chi

Dreams

Wow it felt so good holding you and just feeling your body.

You looked so gorgeous, just as you always do.

The smell of your hair in my face ah.

The look in your eyes stairing at my body.

But why when i wake it its all gone.

Your not next to me and all i see is no missed messages.

I hate waking up when i had you so close to me in my sleep.

I havent dreamed in weeks and the first one i get is you look and smelling so good.

It felt so real it smelt soo good and you looked so good.

I wish i could just dream all day.

If a man takes no thought about what is distant, he will find sorrow near at hand.

Confucius

chi

Tearin up

i love it when i see your big brown eyes. So gorgeous and amazing, thats what i feel in love with right from the start. you hooked me the moment you set your gaze. (pyt) wow i stop and think all your lil faces when your , mad, sad, happy, flirty, and just you being you. you are the most beautifulest woman i have ever seen. But i love you and i cant go back i cant keep hurting you. Im scared and i let you down. just move on your better without me.

What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.

Confuscius

"I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, THAT IT HURTS FOR NOT LETTING YOU GO SOONER"

CHI

Send and Recive

I thought when you go out your suppose to have fun, and let go and let your hair down.

I now know i cant go on without you, and it hurts cuz you need to be without pain. My heart feels empty without your smile warming it up. Last night i tried to forget and ended up getting really drunk. Im sorry they called you, like i told you earlier you woulda been the last on the list. But i hid and hid in the bottle of a bottle and your doing so good without me i cant keep messing with your heart, or head. Like i said "Im sorry for last night."

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.

Confucius

I cant keep seeing me hurt you i cant keep yelling or fighting it hurts and my heart is almost gone i dont have anything left to live so go find your happyness go i wont let myself hurt you. your too beautiful to have some one hurt you.

Study the past if you would define the future.

Confucius

chi

Text

I sent this text around 12:00 i didnt want to wake her up or talk "for fear of starting a fight or falling more into depression." so i sent this message.

(Hope the sweetest dreams find you and protect you. Someday you wont need me to protect you. You will be the strongest for yourself, God will guide you and with him he will show you no more pain. I pray for the best for you.)

After this like clock work she texts back.

(Thank you ..... im sorry.)

I dont know what to do i cant just go back and act like nothing but then i cant keep being away from her. Im so lost and it hurts.

I just want my wife back, why did i do what i did.

Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it.
~Crush

chi

Calls

7/16/09

Not getting a call feels good. finishing all i had to do do today was perfect, but not getting a text or a call kinda suck3d i dont know if she is ok if she is home if she is alive. I cant keep doing this all day i thought of why she was hanging out with OLD friends why she spent the night at his house. And why she hates me. I know im a vary angry person but the ones i decide to give my love i give them my heart and soul.

“You are what I never knew I always wanted”
From the Movie, Fools Rush In

chi

lyrics

..... Your coming around and that fine. But what you coulda had was mine. Cant you see what your doing to me. . When you push me away, wont i leave?

chi

Her Voice

7/15/09

I talked to her at work and i could tell there was some anger i knew not toward me but it sounded like she wanted to bring something else up, so i told her ok then hung up. later letting her know that my phone was fix and texts were ok. getting a text from your wife helps. (Your not actually looking or hearing her.) so that helps, but when your at a families house and you miss the times she use to be by your side, yet now is not there it hits a soft spot. I didnt want to text or talk to her or even see her name on my phone but she is my wife, and i understand why she would yell in the first place. But then i kinda cracked and said "plz be safe i cant talk right now im trying to hold my tears plz ill talk later." well that kinda hurts, but thank goodness she was understanding and could tell i was at my limit. On the ride home i called just to check if she was ok, she picks up and i can tell in the crackle of her voice something is wrong. I finally say hey ill call you when i get home k, she agrees and hangs up. I cant make a conversation knowing all she has done from this point on, it still hurts and i feel she doesnt want me. I try to find out if she is ok and not hurting herself, but yet im hurting myself for talking to her. All i want is my wife.

Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman,
but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man.

~ Unknown ~

chi.

Love lost.

How can i say by now. how do you expect me to forget.?. Thats not fair, it hurts when i can sleep next to you. I can hold my head up high, you know im nothing without. Yet i pushed this time, how could i be so stupid and push. "But you were the one who always pushed me away." Every day you pushed and pushed and yes my hand still hurts and i hope that wall is ok but your smile still wants to show. How come the day i push im still the back guy? Point your finger in another direction, it doesnt feel so good now. "I KNOW I MESSED UP BUT WHY STILL LOOK AT THE PAIN LOOK TOWARD THE GOOD AND LIVE FOR THE LOVE!" I cant keep walking around town every night and finally thinking you wanted me home, to come and yet i in the morning i messed up and its all my fault. Yes i lied in the past, but i didnt lie when i said "I do." why cant you see that?

If i had the chance to take back what i did, Well.. Well.. i wouldnt it just made you stronger and pull you more to me. But how did we go wrong? What did i say this time to finally push you into someone Else's arms?

"The more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite."
--William Shakespeare

chi

Good Morning

7/14/09

Thought it was going to be a good morning noticed she called all last night wanted to pick up but knew she would yell. So went back to bed woke up around 9 then 10 was starting to clean the house till she called i knew the number but didnt want to answer. "hello?" she said. "hi...." i said we really didnt talk till i asked "how is everything?" good good just fix the nursery for her brothers baby. how i wanted to be there and see her smile. Then the topics started one question one fight one memory after the next. "I know i messed up and she will never forget or forgive." i know now that i messed up our marriage. I can feel her hurt in her words, i dive deeper in pain and depression. (Im not looking for a pity vote she is not the bad one, i just dont know what to say to fix or what to do.) She points out that i need therapy i still say i havent went yet too busy. More fights brake out i fall deeper i know i messed and finally say. "Go find your smile back go reach for what i took away for those 7 years i would rather be alone then drag you down and you not be happy." Call after call i know she wants me to pick up but i cant. "Im sorry for every wasting your time i wish i can give it back but you need to go be happy." Still call after call. Im still trying not to yell or cuss but its hard, so one last text. "You are an amazing person and i ruined that im sorry for everything i didnt mean to hurt you, but i did plz be safe and find your smile." I thought today was going to be a good day but for some reason it wasnt wow go figure. lol that life i guess.

"To love a thing means wanting it to live”

Confucious.

"Love goes by haps; Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps"

Shakespeare

All i really wanted was to hold her and "I love you!"

but i dont think that will happen any time soon

so i write hopefully it will help or i find out what

to do next.

chi

Theropy

Does anyone really need it? I think now a days some do for hiding their true emotions inside and its hard for us to express any of it. Does it help to get things off your chest or will it just get worse? Well to day was a good day 7/13/09 havent talked to her or had her yell at me, yet i miss her so so so damn much im empty without her. I dont know what more to do or even to say. i wish i changed faster and didnt hurt her. "But was it me who needed to change or was starting the fights?" I dont care i just want my wife back.

chi

List

Everyone has a list weather good or bad, sad or happy, their image or fantasy. My list.
1. Funny
2. amazing
3. Smart
4. Brave
5. Outgoing
6. Gorgeous
7. Hurting
8. Confused
9. alone
10. scared
11. Self esteem
12. crying
13. LovIN

This is a list i dont know good or bad or even if i needed to put it at all but there is a list and it mean alot.



chi

07/13/09

well this is my first blog and i really dont know how to start it or even what to say is this like free therapy? Do poeple really even read this will they understand what im trying to say? i think its even really hard for even me to understand what im trying to say? or if im even saying it right i know i cant spell or even propor gramer but o well im not in school anymore. so how do i start this hole blog? how about this "Im married and yet my wife doesnt want to be next to me."


chi