Thought it was going to be a good morning noticed she called all last night wanted to pick up but knew she would yell. So went back to bed woke up around 9 then 10 was starting to clean the house till she called i knew the number but didnt want to answer. "hello?" she said. "hi...." i said we really didnt talk till i asked "how is everything?" good good just fix the nursery for her brothers baby. how i wanted to be there and see her smile. Then the topics started one question one fight one memory after the next. "I know i messed up and she will never forget or forgive." i know now that i messed up our marriage. I can feel her hurt in her words, i dive deeper in pain and depression. (Im not looking for a pity vote she is not the bad one, i just dont know what to say to fix or what to do.) She points out that i need therapy i still say i havent went yet too busy. More fights brake out i fall deeper i know i messed and finally say. "Go find your smile back go reach for what i took away for those 7 years i would rather be alone then drag you down and you not be happy." Call after call i know she wants me to pick up but i cant. "Im sorry for every wasting your time i wish i can give it back but you need to go be happy." Still call after call. Im still trying not to yell or cuss but its hard, so one last text. "You are an amazing person and i ruined that im sorry for everything i didnt mean to hurt you, but i did plz be safe and find your smile." I thought today was going to be a good day but for some reason it wasnt wow go figure. lol that life i guess.
"To love a thing means wanting it to live”
Confucious.
"Love goes by haps; Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps"
Shakespeare
All i really wanted was to hold her and "I love you!"
but i dont think that will happen any time soon
so i write hopefully it will help or i find out what
to do next.
chi
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