The night starts here.1

I live through something i cant touch.

I cry when i found out im dead.

How do i hold my head up high when my heart keeps falling.

Who else will pick it up?

Stop calling me names cuz i have one.

Ill stop pushing when you start seeing.

chi

Good to Bad

We talk and talk we make plans to walk.

I love it! i can see me coming back

I write our love story in chalk.

by yet for some reason my phone stays black.

Temporary love is what was given

Now i see that its not OK we make mistakes.

What do you want me to do why can you listen.

Im sorry but you pushed and i dint know what to take.

Just give me back you.

Dont say we are through.

Our love was bigger then a tear drop.

We looked like giants from up top.

Just give me back what i love and lost.

"When there is nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire."

chi

Love

Love is such a word that is lost.

we all said it but did we mean it?

How can we get it back?

Love; what does it really mean?

Why do we say it?

Who will it effect?

But yet we still say (I love you!)

Help love live.

chi

Words

Hearing them or seeing them its all the same, from a text to a computer screen its all the same. From thinking we said good words to wanting them to sound bad, they still hurt never the less.

How can we tell from the good to the bad words?

But hearing your voice and the sweet sweet words you say.

Wow. well that just hurts.

I want you to be in my arms so bad i want to feel your skin.

but still the words are nothing coming yet they haven't fell from your tongue.

How i wish you could say those words.

chi

Music

Lyrics and rhyme's are everywhere from preschool to daily life

its embedded in our mind.

From e-i-o , now to man that nigga just dont know.

rhymes can tell a story and let you know how much you care for that person,

""What love did to me well it changed, and i will never be the same""

For all thoses its something to break down and

think of what this means.

Some times its more simple then we think.

(Love really can mean Love)

chi

Story's?

To think from the begging no one new what to do or how to do it we were told and

show how to treat people, aswell as love them.

"What defines greatness?

Who are we to chose it?"

"What will we do when we get there?

What will we do to get it?"

"What do we do when we loss love?

Who's to say we LOST it?"

Everyone has at least one story to tell but is it right or wrong?

From the lies to the truth it all helps, in one way or another?

(I hope if you read these you find some sense in my words for they might be lies or truth,

its up to you to see if it helps or hurts?)

chi

The truth is.

I am yours and you are mine.

I can see what you did and you can see what i did.

Im trying not to hold it against but it hurts.

I know i hurt you.

I know you love me but you show me other.

I am yours.

"My air was your BREATH."

chi

lost

We fought and fought and fought.

you hurt me bad and i feel your pain

We are still together but i dont know what to do.

I dont know if i can wait or hang in there.

how could i leave you, but i cant be your puppet.

Why would i leave you, i cant keep hurting.

I love you, and i realize your yelling and your attitude is you.

but i cant keep putting up with it.

But you still havent told me to love you.

Groom, do you take this woman to be your wedded wife? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health, remaining faithful to her as long as you both shall live?

Bride, do you take this man to be your wedded husband? Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him in sickness and in health, remaining faithful to him as long as you both shall live?

I know what i must do.

through sickness and in health.

I have to be there for her.

As she was there for me.

chi

A instant message to some one im not allowed to talk to.

xshynessisacrime (11:51:24 PM): life is a funny trip we take.

xshynessisacrime (11:51:50 PM): some detours are better then others. but yet we all go through them

xshynessisacrime (11:53:06 PM): for someone putting up a wall just shows how much you truely trust and need them. by saying leave only puts them far away not brings them back. by saying i dont need you only shows them you moved on.

xshynessisacrime (11:53:12 PM): "

xshynessisacrime (11:53:48 PM): "but love was ment to conquer all, ment to show us who we need and trust."

xshynessisacrime (11:54:17 PM): I guess they were right when they said love was a battle feild.

xshynessisacrime (11:55:28 PM): Moving on can be stronger and help out more if your moving on to help you or the other pearson. Hurt shouldnt be passed around it should stop when you say "I do!" but we forget the reasons why.,

xshynessisacrime (11:55:53 PM): (im sorry girl but just wanted to say what was on my mind. night and sorry for buggin.)

(I just had to get this off my chest if your her or not i dont care, cuz you listened when i needed it.)

chi

sleep overs

for some reason it seems ok for a married person to spend the night or stay with someone alone just the two.

Its just fun we watched movies i trust them, not like you.

but yet if someone else was to do it, all hell would brake loss.

"i made up my mind, your happy."

and im happy for you.

just as long as you keep that smile.

chi

Nothing.

My phone was off but still nothing.

My voice mail was on but still nothing.

My text could receive but still nothing.

My phone was on but still nothing.

My heart was open but still nothing.

My mind was glade you moved on.

But yet i want something?

chi

Confused

So how do you tell someone you love them?

Yet afraid to keep or hurt them?

If you let it go, and it comes back it was ment to be.

but what if you dont want it to.

How do you stop hurting the person you love.

chi

Walking

Ok i just walked about two miles one and ahalf by myself and the rest with my cuz and his wife.

and it helps with them i just talked about what i will do and why and if ill ever go back.

Its hard looking back and hearing you want me, and now that im not running back i dont want to anymore.

I feel like there is so much between us but i love you and dont know where to go from here.

Adam comes from the Hebrew adomah, meaning "man." Eve is from the Hebrew for "life."

God created man from the earth and the women from the rib of man to be represented as sharing a connection and being by mans side.

Its Funny.

Thinking about it, it really is funny.

From start to finish this is just all too funny.

I would think giving someone everything you possibly can

wow that would make anyone happy?

But i think its funny,

im not going to list everything i know mine is longer, but come on.

i know you grown up and you keep saying it. but the more you say it

doesnt me its true. FORGIVE AND FORGET.

Cuz when i still live in the past you get upset.

Yeah it hurts huh.

You can do it and its ok but the minute i do, well then im a jerk and a bastard.

WOW

The people may be made to follow a path of action, but they may not be made to understand it.

Confucius,

Im the one who ruined everything

chi

Dreams

Wow it felt so good holding you and just feeling your body.

You looked so gorgeous, just as you always do.

The smell of your hair in my face ah.

The look in your eyes stairing at my body.

But why when i wake it its all gone.

Your not next to me and all i see is no missed messages.

I hate waking up when i had you so close to me in my sleep.

I havent dreamed in weeks and the first one i get is you look and smelling so good.

It felt so real it smelt soo good and you looked so good.

I wish i could just dream all day.

If a man takes no thought about what is distant, he will find sorrow near at hand.

Confucius

chi

Tearin up

i love it when i see your big brown eyes. So gorgeous and amazing, thats what i feel in love with right from the start. you hooked me the moment you set your gaze. (pyt) wow i stop and think all your lil faces when your , mad, sad, happy, flirty, and just you being you. you are the most beautifulest woman i have ever seen. But i love you and i cant go back i cant keep hurting you. Im scared and i let you down. just move on your better without me.

What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.

Confuscius

"I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, THAT IT HURTS FOR NOT LETTING YOU GO SOONER"

CHI

Send and Recive

I thought when you go out your suppose to have fun, and let go and let your hair down.

I now know i cant go on without you, and it hurts cuz you need to be without pain. My heart feels empty without your smile warming it up. Last night i tried to forget and ended up getting really drunk. Im sorry they called you, like i told you earlier you woulda been the last on the list. But i hid and hid in the bottle of a bottle and your doing so good without me i cant keep messing with your heart, or head. Like i said "Im sorry for last night."

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.

Confucius

I cant keep seeing me hurt you i cant keep yelling or fighting it hurts and my heart is almost gone i dont have anything left to live so go find your happyness go i wont let myself hurt you. your too beautiful to have some one hurt you.

Study the past if you would define the future.

Confucius

chi

Text

I sent this text around 12:00 i didnt want to wake her up or talk "for fear of starting a fight or falling more into depression." so i sent this message.

(Hope the sweetest dreams find you and protect you. Someday you wont need me to protect you. You will be the strongest for yourself, God will guide you and with him he will show you no more pain. I pray for the best for you.)

After this like clock work she texts back.

(Thank you ..... im sorry.)

I dont know what to do i cant just go back and act like nothing but then i cant keep being away from her. Im so lost and it hurts.

I just want my wife back, why did i do what i did.

Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it.
~Crush

chi

Calls

7/16/09

Not getting a call feels good. finishing all i had to do do today was perfect, but not getting a text or a call kinda suck3d i dont know if she is ok if she is home if she is alive. I cant keep doing this all day i thought of why she was hanging out with OLD friends why she spent the night at his house. And why she hates me. I know im a vary angry person but the ones i decide to give my love i give them my heart and soul.

“You are what I never knew I always wanted”
From the Movie, Fools Rush In

chi

lyrics

..... Your coming around and that fine. But what you coulda had was mine. Cant you see what your doing to me. . When you push me away, wont i leave?

chi

Her Voice

7/15/09

I talked to her at work and i could tell there was some anger i knew not toward me but it sounded like she wanted to bring something else up, so i told her ok then hung up. later letting her know that my phone was fix and texts were ok. getting a text from your wife helps. (Your not actually looking or hearing her.) so that helps, but when your at a families house and you miss the times she use to be by your side, yet now is not there it hits a soft spot. I didnt want to text or talk to her or even see her name on my phone but she is my wife, and i understand why she would yell in the first place. But then i kinda cracked and said "plz be safe i cant talk right now im trying to hold my tears plz ill talk later." well that kinda hurts, but thank goodness she was understanding and could tell i was at my limit. On the ride home i called just to check if she was ok, she picks up and i can tell in the crackle of her voice something is wrong. I finally say hey ill call you when i get home k, she agrees and hangs up. I cant make a conversation knowing all she has done from this point on, it still hurts and i feel she doesnt want me. I try to find out if she is ok and not hurting herself, but yet im hurting myself for talking to her. All i want is my wife.

Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman,
but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man.

~ Unknown ~

chi.

Love lost.

How can i say by now. how do you expect me to forget.?. Thats not fair, it hurts when i can sleep next to you. I can hold my head up high, you know im nothing without. Yet i pushed this time, how could i be so stupid and push. "But you were the one who always pushed me away." Every day you pushed and pushed and yes my hand still hurts and i hope that wall is ok but your smile still wants to show. How come the day i push im still the back guy? Point your finger in another direction, it doesnt feel so good now. "I KNOW I MESSED UP BUT WHY STILL LOOK AT THE PAIN LOOK TOWARD THE GOOD AND LIVE FOR THE LOVE!" I cant keep walking around town every night and finally thinking you wanted me home, to come and yet i in the morning i messed up and its all my fault. Yes i lied in the past, but i didnt lie when i said "I do." why cant you see that?

If i had the chance to take back what i did, Well.. Well.. i wouldnt it just made you stronger and pull you more to me. But how did we go wrong? What did i say this time to finally push you into someone Else's arms?

"The more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite."
--William Shakespeare

chi

Good Morning

7/14/09

Thought it was going to be a good morning noticed she called all last night wanted to pick up but knew she would yell. So went back to bed woke up around 9 then 10 was starting to clean the house till she called i knew the number but didnt want to answer. "hello?" she said. "hi...." i said we really didnt talk till i asked "how is everything?" good good just fix the nursery for her brothers baby. how i wanted to be there and see her smile. Then the topics started one question one fight one memory after the next. "I know i messed up and she will never forget or forgive." i know now that i messed up our marriage. I can feel her hurt in her words, i dive deeper in pain and depression. (Im not looking for a pity vote she is not the bad one, i just dont know what to say to fix or what to do.) She points out that i need therapy i still say i havent went yet too busy. More fights brake out i fall deeper i know i messed and finally say. "Go find your smile back go reach for what i took away for those 7 years i would rather be alone then drag you down and you not be happy." Call after call i know she wants me to pick up but i cant. "Im sorry for every wasting your time i wish i can give it back but you need to go be happy." Still call after call. Im still trying not to yell or cuss but its hard, so one last text. "You are an amazing person and i ruined that im sorry for everything i didnt mean to hurt you, but i did plz be safe and find your smile." I thought today was going to be a good day but for some reason it wasnt wow go figure. lol that life i guess.

"To love a thing means wanting it to live”

Confucious.

"Love goes by haps; Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps"

Shakespeare

All i really wanted was to hold her and "I love you!"

but i dont think that will happen any time soon

so i write hopefully it will help or i find out what

to do next.

chi

Theropy

Does anyone really need it? I think now a days some do for hiding their true emotions inside and its hard for us to express any of it. Does it help to get things off your chest or will it just get worse? Well to day was a good day 7/13/09 havent talked to her or had her yell at me, yet i miss her so so so damn much im empty without her. I dont know what more to do or even to say. i wish i changed faster and didnt hurt her. "But was it me who needed to change or was starting the fights?" I dont care i just want my wife back.

chi

List

Everyone has a list weather good or bad, sad or happy, their image or fantasy. My list.
1. Funny
2. amazing
3. Smart
4. Brave
5. Outgoing
6. Gorgeous
7. Hurting
8. Confused
9. alone
10. scared
11. Self esteem
12. crying
13. LovIN

This is a list i dont know good or bad or even if i needed to put it at all but there is a list and it mean alot.



chi

07/13/09

well this is my first blog and i really dont know how to start it or even what to say is this like free therapy? Do poeple really even read this will they understand what im trying to say? i think its even really hard for even me to understand what im trying to say? or if im even saying it right i know i cant spell or even propor gramer but o well im not in school anymore. so how do i start this hole blog? how about this "Im married and yet my wife doesnt want to be next to me."


chi